The Feeling
by CatsbytheGreat
Summary: Edmund has some thoughts about not growing up in England.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or Narnia. They belong to the wonderful writer C.S. Lewis. **

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Peter sat in his room, cross-legged on the bed, reading a book about history. He really didn't want to be reading it, would rather have spent time with his siblings, but it seemed none of them were available. Susan was out. (_She's always out_, Peter thought.) Edmund was studying. Lucy was with Mother, helping her buy groceries.

It was a nice summer's day, and Peter was inside. _Reading_. Doing work for University. Which, he remembered, Edmund would be attending in less than two months' time.

And just as this thought crossed his mind, Edmund came through the door, crossed the room, and sat down on his bed. He looked somewhat agitated. "Peter," he said, "can you tell me what's wrong?"

Plenty of things could have been wrong. "Er," Peter said. "No, I can't. Would you like to tell me?"

Edmund frowned. "Actually, I would. Do you realize that it's summer and we haven't been outside once since the holiday began?"

"Interestingly enough," Peter said, "I was just thinking that. But, Ed, you said you wanted to study."

"I did say that," Edmund admitted, "but I'm starting to have second thoughts."

"Then don't study," Peter said.

Edmund's face took on a very thoughtful expression and he didn't speak for quite some time. Peter was about to continue reading his book when Edmund spoke again. "Then don't study?"

Peter looked up. "That's right."

"How would I ever learn, then?" he asked. Peter opened his mouth. Edmund continued over him. "Then again, perhaps that is the point. Perhaps I don't want to learn. I've already learned! I've lived a life time and no one knows it. And all of this…this studying seems like such a waste of time, because in the end we'll never get anywhere with it. No one ever lets us _do_ anything. They never would."

"Are you feeling all right?" Peter asked, frowning at his brother.

Edmund sighed and stood up. "I don't know," he said. "I've been feeling odd lately, like I should be doing more than I am, because I was doing so much more at this age Back There, but I know I can't because society wouldn't let me."

"Well, no," Peter said with a slight grin, "they wouldn't exactly let you be King of England, if that's what you mean." He laughed. Edmund did not. Peter decided to get serious. "Listen, Edmund, you know I felt the exact same way when we first came back to England. I felt as if I ought to have been doing so much more than I was, but I couldn't, because in the end we were still children to everyone else. And even now people don't see us for who we really are. And it's frustrating, but I've come to accept it. And I thought you might have."

"I have," Edmund said. He was pacing now, back and forth in front of Peter. "I mean, I had. And now I'm older and I'm going to be an adult, but I don't know how to be an adult without doing anything of much importance. Peter, when we were young we could get away with it, because there was really nothing we _could_ do. But now we're older, we're expected to go out into the world and be productive. And my definition of productive and everyone else's is different. And yours must be like mine. You won't be in University much longer. What are you planning on doing?"

"Well," Peter said, thinking. "I want to help people. Honestly, I want to lead people to do something good for the country, and I think I might want to…I don't know, perhaps become a teacher. Teachers are very influential people, you know. In Narnia, ours were. And, Edmund, I know it isn't the same, but I think we just have to apply what we want to do to this world. I know it isn't on such a large scale—you might not be able to make laws for the country and I might not be able to lead an army into battle, but we can do small things, and that counts."

Edmund stopped pacing. "I…that's good, Peter," he said. "That's good. And I'm thinking about it. And…I should have realized, but you see…that isn't the only thing, which is why it's been on my mind so much..."

"What is it, then?"

Edmund sighed. He looked at Peter, then away, with an odd expression on his face, as though he wasn't sure if he should say what he was going to say. He sat down on his bed again, opposite Peter. "I don't…I've got the queerest feeling that we aren't meant to grow up again. Every time I try to see it in my mind, I can't. Can you?"

"Didn't I just tell you?" Peter said, feeling quite taken aback. He wasn't quite sure this made any sense to him. He had the feeling that it should, since Edmund was a very sensible person, but it didn't.

"Well, yes," Edmund said, turning slightly red. "But, we didn't even fully grow up in Narnia. We were adults, but we never grew _old_. We left before that. And here…I'm old but I'm not…and here…"

"Wait," Peter said, running the whole thing over in his head. "Are you saying that we'll leave here before we're fully grown?"

Edmund looked startled, but he responded, "Well—yes! Yes, I suppose that's it. I don't know. I think we can't. We can't go back to Narnia. But that would be the only way." He ran a hand through his dark hair, frustrated. "I don't really know, Peter. It's just a feeling. It's been bothering me for a bit. I think it might bother me for awhile longer. I'm probably being stupid. Do you think I'm…not quite right in the head?"

Peter smiled fondly at his brother. "Ed, I think you're fine," he said. "I can sort of see what you're talking about. It took me awhile to think about what I might do later in life. It was hard. I'm still not sure. But I don't think you to be crazy."

Edmund also smiled. "That's good to know, Peter."

Peter put his book down and stood up. "So, is this why you think studying is such a waste of time? Because you can't see yourself ever growing up to use it?"

Edmund laughed. "Part of it," he said. He turned to the window. "The other part is that we're wasting a perfectly wonderful day inside. Since when do we do that?"

"I don't know," Peter said. "Lucy must be horrified with us. I think we should go for a walk." Edmund nodded.

Together they walked out of the house. It was a bright, sunny summer's day. And they didn't think about growing up again, or school, or what they would do in the future. After all, they were still young.


End file.
